Dealing with yet another disappointment...

Tonight, I made the absolutely worst mistake...I listened to my voice messages. Right before turning off the light to fall asleep. Poor Steven had to talk me off of my emotional rocky cliff.

Lesson #1: Never listen to voice messages before bed. You will inevitably pay for it.

My mind had just slowed down to a sleepy pace and then BAM! it's off racing again. It was a voice message from one of the mom's whose child I tend. She talked with her hubby and their kid and decided that they were going to find a different situation that would better suit their child's needs. So, I was fired via a phone message. Kinda lame. We're barely able to make ends meet on our own and now...oh, now I don't know what will come of all this. This is the second in-home employment opportunity that's been pulled out from underneath my feet just this year...and in both situations the parents are doing what's best for their child, so I can rationally understand but it doesn't take away the sting of disappointment or the waves of anxiety that come crashing over me. We were counting on this income. Things were finally working, and smoothly for that matter...I feel angry. I feel like I've bent over backwards to accommodate the family and their needs, regularly facing inconsistency (they cancelled on me often) and a bit lower pay then I would have liked. I've been tied to my house and the schedule so that there were never any conflicts. Their child was fun to have over, but had some pouting issues (which Kaia has adopted...oy vey) and frequently spent the day telling me white lies about this, that, and the other. It was going to end at the end of May. I don't understand why it had to end when we had 4 more weeks to go. Quite unnerving for me. To put it as Jane Austen would, "I can hardly keep my countenance."

What am I doing wrong? I don't get it! I've been honest, I've been patient, I've been easy to work with.

I'm trying to see the silver lining. If anything, I've learned that a signed contract is absolutely vital. And that I must require payment for each day they contract me to keep my schedule open, so if they cancel, I don't have to worry about coming up with the funds to diaper our children.

Steven is being great, telling me to shrug it off and let it go. That it will be nice for me to have a break. That I'll get that time back to be just with our children. That perhaps the Lord isn't letting me get comfortable with working and being a full-time mom. And logically this all makes sense. Is it penetrating my soul yet? No way, Jose. Right now, I'm feeling a strange union of anger and chaos. It burns the soul, it burns...