A lot happened today. I cleaned the kitchen top to bottom in one go. That hasn't happened since I was pregnant with Kaia. Usually it takes two or three days to completely scrub everything down. It was an achievement. I know it will be trashed by two small children by the end of tomorrow. But it was pristine today, damn it all, and I will hold onto that fiercely.
The crap did hit the fan today, though. And it kept blowing it around until it became a grand mess. We had quite a few setbacks surface today...and then a grand-finale muck storm of sorts: it's not going to work and we have to start over again. The short of it is that Steven will be avidly job hunting--again--and I will try hard not to fall to even smaller pieces.
I acknowledge that these things happen for a reason, and I only want the best situation for us and our friends, family, and acquaintances...it royally messes ya up though after time and time again, there is a brief flicker of hope--a calm in the storm--just for it to bottom out and leave you drowning again. I am amazed that I haven't shattered into a thousand unrecognizable pieces yet. I am amazed that though I feel broken and numb, though I understand that tomorrow is coming with all of its beasts at the ready, that I will be able to breathe in and breathe out and make a go of it again. I must be absolutely nutters, insane, psychologically unstable...
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