Life Test #713--Fail

I haven't been posting again and I know, it's lame. I do what I can.

Steven volunteered to be one of the six priesthood holders for our ward's Girls Camp--3 shifts, Steven volunteered for the last shift. He got up yesterday morning at 4:30 am and left at 5:30 am. I, of course, cannot sleep when he's up getting ready for a long-haul kind of day, so I verbally ran through the list of things he needed to take, we double-checked everything and said our goodbyes. He kissed the kids asleep in their beds, got in his car and headed to Sawtooth National Forest. He spent the last $25.00 in our account to top off his tank so he could get there and back. How were we going to pay for gas for the next two weeks? How is he going to get to work? Would there be enough time to make up the two days pay missed? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that it will all work out, that we're going on faith--when really I feel like we're absolute idiots for tempting fate. This would be the first time that Steven would be away from all of us for more than 12 consecutive hours. And he was 15 miles away from the faintest bit of cell reception. You probably can see now that trouble was a-brewin'...

I went on a walk/jog last night to try to wear myself out and better my chances of actually getting some kind of sleep. Steven used to work overnights, right? I would be fine. Except I could call him at work if I was feeling scared or had insomnia. I could call my visiting teacher if an emergency happened here at the house. With both Steven and my VT (she's a YW leader) up at Girls Camp and out of cell signal, I realized quickly that I was more vulnerable than I've ever been as a young mother of two.

I did not sleep well--or rather at all. I think I finally dozed off about 2 am...I didn't stay asleep for long as I kept waking up to a small creak from the house or hearing the kids shift positions in their beds. I turned on movies to try and get myself out of panic mode. Oy vey. I fell back asleep around 4 am. And then Kaia woke me up at 5:30 am. I told her to go back to her room and look at books and magazines quietly so I could get some more sleep. She ran into her room, slammed the door--which woke Morgan up to a rude start--and proceeded to scream and shout. At this point I'm feeling raw. I can feel the panic building up in my chest, while the anger rose in my throat. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. Steven would be in cell signal around 10:15 am and home around 11 am, I could survive until then. Kaia and Morgan decided to cry and whine for most of the morning. I watched the clock for 10 am, then for 10:30. No calls. Then at 11 am, the blessed event, he's got cell phone signal again. But, my heart sank and the tears started to sting my eyes..he called me to explain that he's an additional hour and a half away, and that he and the other priesthood holder are still on duty while the girls went swimming at a hot springs. He would hopefully be home by 4 am. WHAT? How was he going to get home? He wouldn't have enough gas! He just assumed I'd be okay with this? EXCUSE ME?

Fail, fail, fail. I lost it. I went nutters. Steven's saving grace was being far away from this tempestous, contentious, hysterical woman.

So, we learned a few lessons today. And the day is still frickin' young, so there might be more lessons yet.

#1. Don't volunteer for extra church duties if you don't have your affairs in order. Using the last of the gas money for a good endeavor doesn't mean the tank is going to magically refill itself. Sacrificing stupidly does not promise miracles.

#2. Being out of cell phone signal causes the wife (me) to have panic attacks. These get so much worse when on very little sleep, having frayed nerves, and when dealing with bratty behavior from the fruits of my loin. This was not at all a pleasant experience. I had no idea it was going to be so out of control. Better get a prescription for Xanax or Valium if this situation comes up again... Prepare ourselves for this situation a little better...like seeing each other the day before. Or maybe not getting into this situation again... Or perhaps going out of town myself to visit family (this means our affairs need to be in order...meaning the MOOLAH needs to be there). Or giving myself an allowance to spend lots of money on yarn and fabrics and give myself a fiber high. Better yet, let's employ all three.

#3. Communication is without a doubt the #1 priority on my list. Screw romance. I just want to get to a point where dealing with non-communication and miscommunication isn't such a common way of life.

#4. Have a little more zen when the plans completely do a 180. I suppose I would have handled this much more swimmingly if I had gotten through at least one REM cycle, had seen Steven the day before and not been at odds with each other the whole week long, had eaten breakfast, and had given the children some Melatonin since I knew that putting them to bed at 10:30 pm would mess with their sleep schedule.

So, here we go:

Dear Tiffany,

I hereby certify and validate that this experience was horrendous, frustrating, and dramatically different than what you had hoped for. I also grant permission for you to laze about today and forget about the house and laundry, and employ only the minimum survivalist parenting tactics.

It's okay to be pissed about this. Carry on, warrior.

Hugs,
Tiffany